


not broken yet

by yuygeom



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M, Other, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, i a yugyeom stan cried while writing this, lapslock, the yugyeom/everyone is purely platonic, this is like really sad at points, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-09-30 02:57:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10151837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuygeom/pseuds/yuygeom
Summary: what they do is supposed to be a game, but it's never very fun. it takes maybe too long for yugyeom to understand why.





	

**Author's Note:**

> fuck. o6ff. this was so upsetting to write bU T ive had bad writers block for a month so i had to Get It Out !
> 
> this does contain very sensitive material; depictions of sexual abuse and one incident of violence. i wouldn't advise reading it if either of those upset you because they're the focus of the story. if you Are planning on reading, thank u ! i hope you enjoy ! don't cry too much !

yugyeom is six years old and so happy. he's bright-eyed and fat-cheeked and all of his mother's friends tell her how lucky she is to have such a cheerful little boy. his brother is older and always jealous of the attention, but the adoring way yugyeom looks up to him almost makes up for it.

 

he is everyone's favourite, has always been. sometimes his cousins come over to play while their and yugyeom's parents have coffee, and all of them love him. yugyeom loves them too. most of all he loves yeeun, who is tall and almost thirteen and so so smart. often she picks him up and carries him around on her hip like a toddler, all the while blowing raspberries into his rosy cheeks. for some reason yeeun never pays as much attention to yugyeom's brother or even her own siblings, but he's okay with it. the attention is welcome.

 

yeeun turns thirteen when yugyeom is six and a half. within a week she's eagerly offering his parents to babysit for them anytime, an opportunity they snatch up for the first time around a month later. it's the day of an after-school spring concert performed by yugyeom's brother's class at school and the younger catches the flu at the last minute. he's dehydrated and almost delirious in bed when his parents and brother rush out the door and leave yeeun behind with a vague set of instructions.

 

her presence alone makes yugyeom calmer, and when she gently presses a cool cloth to his forehead and whispers reassurance, his lashes flutter and he embraces sleep. many, many years later, he will wonder how differently his life could have turned out had he not lost consciousness in this moment.

 

when yugyeom wakes he registers three things. his room is very dark now, and it's probably close to if not past his bedtime. the awful sick feeling he'd experienced earlier is almost gone, leaving in its place an unusually vacant, weightless sensation. yeeun sits on his bed next to him, stroking his hair absently.

 

"how do you feel?" she's asking and her hand disappears and returns to rest on his stomach. it seems like it should be comforting. it's not. yugyeom's dazed and her voice sounds a million miles away. he mumbles that he feels less bad, and she smiles at him like he's said the right thing. "of course," she says, "i gave you some medicine before you went to sleep, remember?" he doesn't. "you got three pills. that should keep you feeling nice for awhile."

 

his head is so hazy but yugyeom knows he's never allowed more than one pill at a time when he's sick. he wishes he could tell yeeun that, but his mouth feels too heavy to open. she smiles at him and reaches under the covers to grab his hand. "it's okay, baby yugyeommie. yeeun noona's your favourite, right? noona loves you. she wants to help."

 

everything she says sounds right and it makes yugyeom just want to relax and let her hold him like always. but there's something that feels so very wrong about the way yeeun's hand creeps further and further down beneath the blankets. it doesn't feel playful when she tickles at the lowest spot on his tummy or when she flicks the elastic waist of his pyjama pants before pushing them down bit by bit. yugyeom tries hard to tell her that he's too tired to play whatever new game this is, but when he opens his mouth nothing comes out.

 

"this will make you less sick," yeeun promises like she can tell how upset he's getting. "noona knows. she's a teenager, little yugyeom-ah. don't you want to do teenager things? won't it be fun?"

 

yugyeom doesn't know what 'it' is. he's so exhausted but half of him just wants to please yeeun—she's his  _favourite_ and he wants to make her happy. it just all feels bad for some reason, the way she pokes suddenly at his private parts and giggles. yugyeom does not like this game. but he loves his big cousin yeeun and he doesn't want to upset her.

 

it seems all the while that yeeun is waiting for something to happen. no matter how much she prods, though, touches where yugyeom thinks even his mom hasn't touched, it never feels fun. he wonders if he's made her sad when finally she stops, takes out her hand with a disappointed look. yugyeom hopes he didn't upset her—he  _loves_ her so much. looks up to her and adores her with his whole heart.

 

"your parents will come home soon. this is our secret, okay, yugyeom-ah?" yeeun whispers. she pets his hair again. "it's a game just for you and i. noona will be sad if you tell anyone. okay?" 

 

yugyeom nods. he doesn't know what else to do.

 

➶

 

yugyeom is nine years old and he loves to dance. every friend he has, each extended family member knows that all anyone has to do is turn on music and he'll dance to it, do a routine or make up his own moves on the spot. it's one of the only things he takes full pride in. everyone says he's become more quiet in recent years and it seems music is the only way to make him less shy, if only for a few minutes.

 

yeeun doesn't like it when he dances. she is sixteen and much stronger than him and she makes sure he knows it. for a long time their special game was gentle and yugyeom learned to tolerate it as often as it happened. he could tune out and think of anything, anywhere else just to feel like it wasn't happening. but when he dances yeeun gets mad. she is never gentle when she's mad.

 

on his parents' wedding anniversary they are out for dinner and yugyeom's brother sits in his room playing video games while yeeun watches yugyeom in the living room. she only ever wants to play when his brother is out with friends or asleep. she says it's more fun that way. "i don't want your brother trying to play with us," she'd said once when yugyeom asked about it. "our game is just for you and i."

 

"wanna see my freestyle?" yugyeom chirps excitedly. he's been taking dance classes and in his eagerness to show off what he's learning he forgets how cold yeeun's eyes always get when he dances. only focusing on displaying his skills, he flicks on the stereo. one of his favourite english songs is playing and he sways, skips, steps to the beat with his head tossed back and eyes closed. right now he feels free. like everything in the world is good, just for a minute.

 

"that's enough," snaps yeeun out of nowhere. yugyeom blinks his eyes open just in time to watch her turn the sound system off. her voice is almost eerily calm. "yugyeom-ah," she says, "you look so happy when you dance. you never look that happy when you're with noona. don't you love me?"

 

yugyeom's heart falls down to his toes. "i love you very much, yeeun noona."

 

she smiles at him, suddenly warm. he relaxes at the disappearance of angry tension. "good job, yugyeommie. good boy. let's go upstairs and play our game so noona knows you really love her."

 

"but hyung is awake," yugyeom protests. dread settles in the pit of his stomach and he wants to flail and bang his fists on the ground like a toddler. _i don't want to play with noona._ but noona would be sad and maybe not love him anymore. she might even tell his parents, and what if they don't love him anymore?

 

so when yeeun hushes him, says "your brother won't hear if you're quiet," yugyeom follows her to his own room with a hanging head and a heart too heavy for his little body.

 

tonight yeeun makes him touch himself instead of doing it for him. "it's just like our regular game except you do it yourself," she explains. "but only do it when noona's here, okay? or else i'll be very sad."

 

yugyeom wouldn't want to do this on his own anyway. it makes him feel dirty and bad inside. and like every other part of their special game, he is only doing it to make yeeun happy. briefly he wonders if she will ever be happy enough.

 

she watches him the way she watched the very first time three years ago, like something big is supposed to happen. it makes yugyeom nervous. he feels like crying, but the last time he cried while they were playing, yeeun told him he was making her upset and she'd tell his parents he'd been a bad boy unless he stopped.

 

as he remembers this, rubbing at his own private parts all the while because yeeun says he's not allowed to stop until she says so, yugyeom's body gets a funny feeling. his privates seem to grow under his hand and yeeun gasps just a little bit. yugyeom jerks his fingers away in shock, but she slaps at his hand.  _put it back._ so he does.

 

the playing feels physically good for his body, yugyeom thinks. but inside, every time he touches himself he shudders because it feels so bad. so wrong. so disgusting.

 

"keep going," yeeun coos the first time yugyeom stills to wipe away the tears of humiliation forming in his eyes. he feels more exposed than ever. like even though she has seen him bare countless times, she should not see this. her voice becomes a growl when he pauses a second time, dragging at the wetness on his cheeks. _sorry,_ he tries to say, but only a sob comes out.

 

the 'nice' feeling gets more intense, almost painful, and yugyeom feels sick to his stomach. then something warm and white and sticky spurts out of him and he almost shrieks. would, if yeeun weren't standing with a hand clamped too tight over his mouth.

 

"good boy," she simpers. the stroke of her hand in his hair is too familiar, no longer a welcome gesture. yugyeom stays stiller than a statue with tears rolling off his face onto the carpet. yeeun cleans the white off of his stomach with a baby wipe, and that's what yugyeom feels like. a baby. like he's just had an accident and now he's crying over it. _disgusting,_ a voice in his head sneers, and yugyeom doesn't like how feminine the voice sounds.

 

for months yeeun tries to babysit at least once a week. yugyeom can never bring himself to look forward to it anymore, her visits only ever meaning embarrassment and the dirty feeling. she makes him touch himself until the white comes out every time and after a month or so she gets tired of his tears, stops helping him clean the mess up. "it's just a game," she says once. "you're being a bad sport."

 

on yugyeom's tenth birthday yeeun happily suggests to his parents that she have a sleepover with him as a present. they oblige just as pleasantly and yugyeom wonders if they would say yes if they knew about the game. _we aren't doing anything wrong,_  yeeun always assures him.  _we just keep it a secret because the game is more fun that way._ for the first time he is not sure that he  believes her at all.

 

he turns ten years old at midnight, far past his bedtime. yeeun has made him make a mess once already and she says he isn't allowed to sleep until he makes one more. yugyeom is so very tired.

 

➶

 

yugyeom is twelve years old and he is thriving. one of the biggest music companies he knows of is looking at him to be a trainee because of his dance skills. he could be famous, he thinks. a celebrity. cheerfully, he tells yeeun this one afternoon as they eat lunch in his kitchen. with his parents working all the time and his brother busy with high school, yeeun is almost more of a nanny than a sitter now. she is nineteen and she has not tried to play their game since her birthday last month.

 

"you couldn't be a celebrity," she scoffs. yugyeom feels his face fall. "you're just a silly kid. your dancing isn't anything special. sorry to break it to you."

 

she is only half teasing. it's the half that flares yugyeom's temper, always kept at bay behind the insecure shy exterior he's built up over the last half of his life. "i could," he snaps. "just because you're too stupid to see that i'm talented doesn't mean the rest of the world is."

 

yeeun's idle expression crumples into one of white-hot rage and yugyeom hears her fist slamming into his face before he feels the crack. he wails and she grabs his wrist, digging immaculate acrylic nails into his skin. "ungrateful brat," she hisses, "you think you can speak to me that way? with everything i do for you?" her nails dig next into his stomach, then the sensitive skin of his penis. yugyeom knows nothing but agony for what feels like hours. his eyes fall closed around the time he feels skin break, like if he can't see it it'll all just go away. but oh, can he hear.

 

"this isn't even legal," yeeun is yelling at him. "i can't be doing this. i could already go to jail for all the playing we've ever done but you just have to _set me off,_ don't you? why do you do that? do you _like this, you slut?_ "

 

yugyeom doesn't know. he doesn't know what she means about going to jail and he doesn't know what a slut is and he doesn't know what he ever could have done to deserve the agony of fingers scraping between his thighs. they're drawing blood that he can feel drip down his legs and he screams.

 

and then yeeun puts a hand over his mouth and he passes out, or maybe just dies for a little while. whichever it is, for a short and blissful time yugyeom feels absolutely nothing.

 

he wakes on the bathroom floor with yeeun digging through the medicine cabinet above him, panicked sounds escaping her mouth. yugyeom reaches up to touch his nose and finds it sore but not crooked, so not broken. the lower half of his body is even more sore, constant thrums of pain resonating down into his bones.

 

"you're awake," yeeun gasps when she looks down at him. yugyeom flinches without meaning to as she reaches down to pull him upright by his arms. "oh, yugyeom. noona didn't want to hurt you, sweetheart. are you okay?"

 

her voice sounds fake and too concerned to pass normally. yugyeom doesn't have a clue what to do. "it hurts," he whimpers finally.

 

"noona is sorry," yeeun whispers and pulls him close. his head furrows into the junction of her arm by habit, having been doing so every time they've hugged for his whole life. this time it feels less safe. less familiar. he no longer knows what to expect from yeeun, doesn't know what she's capable of. "you can't tell your mom, okay?"

 

"but you _hurt_ me," yugyeom says, confused.

 

"you were being bad," she reprimands. they pull apart. her eyes have grown hard and emotionless. "if you tell anyone i hurt you i'll tell your parents that you were being a disrespectful little brat. any babysitter would have done the same if you talked to them that way."

 

that's it. there is no chance for yugyeom to fight back. he wouldn't know how, anyway.

 

yeeun tells his mother that the bruise on his nose is from a trip down the stairs. if mrs kim is suspicious in the least she doesn't show it. god, does yugyeom ever wish she would.

 

"silly clumsy yugyeom," his mother jokes. yugyeom's skin and blood are under yeeun's fingernails. he isn't the silly one.

 

one week later the entertainment company accepts yugyeom as a trainee officially. his life becomes a whirlwind of proud distant relatives, paperwork, and moving boxes. he'll be living awhile away from home, on his own with other boy trainees his age, going to a different and more high-end school. the day of his going-away party is less than a month later. yeeun makes no appearance. yugyeom doesn't think he could have handled the stress if she had.

 

someday he'll look back and note that today is the day he stops depending so heavily on her for love and support. that makes it a good day, even without all the cake and goodbye gifts.

 

yugyeom meets bambam and jackson before anyone else. bambam is much shorter than him and holds just as much baby fat despite being half a year older. "we're rooming together," he tells yugyeom in childishly cute accented korean. "if you try to steal the top bunk i'll scratch your eyes out."

 

this day, his first day as a live-in trainee, yugyeom starts to display the effects of everything that has happened to him since he was six. he doesn't notice this at the time. he just chokes on his breath a little and steps back in a panic because _bambam_ _doesn't_ _look like he'd_ _hurt_ _me_ but _neither did she._

 

jackson, fifteen and not very tall but almost unfairly muscled, sets a gentle hand on the youngest's shoulder. "bam's just kidding," he says carefully like he's trying to get the wording right. of course with that name he can't be korean, so he must still be learning the language just as bambam seems to be.

 

"sorry," mumbles yugyeom, bowing slightly in apology. he flicks his eyes up for a second and they're both staring at him like they've no clue what they're looking at, so he trains his eyes back on the floor and whispers another "sorry."

 

"jyp-sunbaenim said you were cocky, not… you know. shy," bambam says thoughtfully. the honorific comes out stilted and funny-sounding with his accent. yugyeom wonders if it's okay to laugh, but by the time he's done wondering the urge is gone.

 

"i–i am. less shy sometimes," he says. "i think when sunbaenim called me that he meant when i'm dancing. people always say i act more confident when i'm dancing."

 

"you must be really good, then. how old are you again?" jackson questions, and gasps at yugyeom's murmur of 'twelve'. "ah! a baby!"

 

with the initial awkwardness of their meeting gone, both older boys help yugyeom move his boxes into the dorm. jackson is from hong kong and bambam is thai, yugyeom learns, and they're both learning to rap and bettering their dance skills. jackson's even seasoned in martial arts, which yugyeom considers one of the coolest things in the history of ever.

 

his parents eventually find their way through the huge building from where they'd been signing papers, hugging and kissing him goodbye and crying while jackson and bambam snicker from the sidelines. yugyeom promises to call every day and text every hour and visit whenever he can, etcetera. and then they're gone and it somehow feels like they were never really there.

 

"it's a weird feeling," jackson sympathizes, apparently reading yugyeom's mind. "you just get this rush of independence and it takes awhile to figure out what to do with it."

 

bambam nods along, adding "but it gets really fun!" in that peppy tone of his. yugyeom smiles at them both and clears his throat a few times so he doesn't do anything really gross, like cry.

 

when he sets up his bottom bunk with his favorite soft blankets, bambam's swinging his feet from his own higher bunk and listing off the 'dorm rules'. "no phone calls after lights out, which is ten-thirty. label your food before you put it in the fridge unless you want someone else to eat it. also, no going out without someone knowing you're leaving. if you wake up first you have to be everyone's alarm. jackson," he calls as the oldest boy passes by their room, "am i forgetting anything?"

 

"nothing is permanent," says jackson, grim and dead serious before bursting into giggles at the utter confusion on yugyeom's face. "don't worry. it's not that big a deal. people just come and go fast sometimes, right? i could debut in a month or be sent home tomorrow. you never know here."

 

that does sound like kind of a big deal, but if jackson isn't overly worried, yugyeom will try not to lose sleep over it. "okay. i got it."

 

"also, no jerking off in the shower," jackson snorts out of nowhere and he and bambam dissolve into laughter until they notice yugyeom's blank expression. "you okay?"

 

"i don't know what that means," he mutters. he's embarrassed but not totally sure why. if the gaping expressions on the other boys' faces are anything to go by, he really shouldn't be confused about the term.

 

"do they not teach sex ed where you're from?" bambam half-jokes, but he falters at the solemn shake of yugyeom's head. he's been going to a religious school up until now, too conservative for him to know anything detailed at all. sex makes babies, he knows, but he doesn't have a clue how. he only now realizes that perhaps that isn't exactly normal.

 

"well, i'm not gonna teach him," bambam grunts after a minute, hopping off his bunk and calling "i'm making noodles!" over his shoulder as he leaves the room.

 

yugyeom stares with huge curious eyes at jackson expectantly. "hyung?" he asks, brotherly term rolling off his tongue with ease. he wants an explanation but the uncomfortable face the older harbours is unnerving.

 

"i don't wanna go into detail," jackson stammers. "they'll probably teach you more about this stuff when you start high school in a year and a bit. but it's, um." he cleans his throat. "touching yourself."

 

immediately yugyeom goes rigid— _touch_ _yourself_ echoes in his ears, but in a girl's voice. "what?"

 

"you know. down there."

 

"oh," he says. then panic sets in. "no, no, you won't—y-you won't make me do that, will you? i don't want to right now." the tremor in yugyeom's voice is far too noticeable.

 

jackson stares at him and it's clear he has no idea what to do. "yugyeom-ah," he says slowly, reaching one hand out to comfort the younger and withdrawing when he's met with a flinch. "no one is going to make you do that, okay? that's something you only do when you wanna. in private and when you feel like it."

 

nothing is making much sense. jackson's explanation seems perfectly legitimate but it just doesn't add up. why would someone touch themselves there if they didn't have to? just imagining it makes yugyeom feel unclean as ever. he shudders under jackson's watchful eye. "i won't do that," he promises shakily. "in the shower or anywhere else. don't worry about it."

 

"okay," jackson agrees. there's still an undertone to his voice halfway from concern to suspicion, over what, yugyeom's unsure. for now he just focuses on banishing the sudden intrusive memories of yeeun standing over him and forcing him to—what was the term? jerk off.

 

"do you guys want noodles?" bambam shrieks suddenly from the kitchen, effectively snapping yugyeom out of his thoughts and jackson out of watching him worriedly. thanks, yugyeom thinks, as if bambam can read his mind.

 

that night yugyeom meets the other resident in their dorm, sixteen-year-old mark tuan, another foreigner. he's taiwanese but from america and trained in martial arts like jackson. it takes all of four minutes for yugyeom to feel almost at home with the three older boys as they make conversation over leftover lunch noodles.

 

"think of what an awesome dance team we'll make after more training," jackson blurts in a lull between chatting. he's met with various enthusiastic agreements. yugyeom grins wide at the prospect, his first real smile in this dorm. and, it feels like, his first real smile in quite a long time.

 

jyp entertainment wastes no time, yugyeom comes to discover. within his first week in the company he's started to train at least half of every day, plus an hour of lessons in a foreign language of his choosing—he picks english. mark and jackson are both fluent, so he figures he won't have much trouble picking up phrases here and there.

 

taking english with him is park jinyoung. not the company owner, no, a teenager who looks around jackson's age. jinyoung is pretty and fun and easy to get along with, and though he knows about as much about the language as yugyeom, he still tries to help the younger boy out at any given opportunity. it's nice, yugyeom thinks, having so many people who seem to genuinely like and care for him.

 

time flies. he visits home maybe once a month and not much there ever seems to change. once, he hears talk of yeeun having found a boyfriend at her community college. idly he wonders if she tries to play a game like theirs with her boyfriend. yugyeom is starting to recognize without noticing that perhaps their game was never much of a game at all.

 

when he's fourteen he begins high school and becomes even more busy balancing training and classes. bambam, jackson, and mark are his most steady training partners and still his dormmates. a few other trainees have come and gone but never stayed for long. mark always says, "outsiders can sense our bond. they know they won't be able to fit in." it's a joke, mostly.

 

trainee-not-ceo park jinyoung stops taking english lessons with yugyeom in favour of debuting in a project duo with another boy his age. yugyeom misses talking to him, but sometimes he uses mark's laptop to watch the duo's performances. the free, weightless, i-made-it smile on jinyoung's face tells yugyeom it's for the best.

 

in march his health and life skills class at school begins the family life unit, or sex education. uninformed save for bits and pieces gained from the other dorm members, yugyeom's generally unaware of what's going on for the whole class period while the teacher drones along about anatomical terms. it's only when they get to discussing the actual sex part that he's practically forced to pay attention.

 

"sex is loosely defined as intimate relations between two people involving genital touching," says mrs han and yugyeom's body stiffens for a moment.

 

"that sounds like a game i know," he murmurs thoughtfully without giving the words any consideration. the entire class' eyes turn on him. yugyeom goes red and stares holes into the floor. though he's grown less reserved in these few years, it's still unlike him to speak out like that. he wishes he hadn't.

 

"sex is no game, kim," mrs han says sternly. "it's a serious matter. anyone who treats it playfully is either inexperienced or manipulative, but we'll get into that next class." then she moves on with the lesson and yugyeom is left to his own thoughts. _manipulative_ keeps swirling around his brain. of course yeeun is just that, like when she lied about how he hurt his nose because she knew yugyeom would never try to convince anyone otherwise.

 

but their game. all his life yugyeom wondered if he was a bad child for not enjoying the 'quality time'. maybe, he thinks, yeeun's game was never truly a playful one.

 

during the next class they discuss consent. the moment mrs han tells them that no one should be touching anyone else's genitals without explicit consent, yugyeom finally starts to understand. back in the dorm he googles 'consent' and then 'how to know what isn't consensual'.

 

 _a child under the age of thirteen cannot consent to sexual activities,_ says the first page he pulls up _. an adult of 19 or older cannot have sexual relations with a minor._ the words 'statutory rape' surface, and when yugyeom types them into the search engine he comes across a detailed description of types of sexual abuse _._

 

the tears start to fall after he reads the account of a boy whose mother molested him for four years by telling him he was doing her a special favour, a top-secret one. yugyeom feels sick to his stomach as he reads that most sexual abuse is committed by family members. after the story of a girl whose brother raped her and threatened to kill her if she told anyone, yugyeom runs to the bathroom to throw up. 

 

bambam and mark are out, but jackson hurries in to rub yugyeom's back while he hunches over the toilet. if the older boy sees the tear tracks on his face, he doesn't mention them, only offering comfort. yugyeom feels broken in spite of finally having put all the pieces together. he feels like the hand stroking his shoulders is the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

 

➶

 

yugyeom is fifteen years old and he is doing alright. jinyoung and his duo partner jaebum live in the self-proclaimed street dance group's dorm now, their project having been put on hiatus. all six boys are training together and anticipating a debut within around a year. no one knows anything about what yugyeom realized months ago. he hides it well, he supposes, until the nightmares start.

 

"were you okay last night?" asks bambam curiously over breakfast one morning. yugyeom quirks up one confused eyebrow. "you were making a bunch of noise in your sleep. you didn't sound very happy."

 

"bad dream?" jinyoung pats yugyeom's head sympathetically. the youngest shrugs. he can't remember, so it must not have been a huge deal. except it turns out that it really is.

 

"—yugyeom?" someone is whispering rather frantically as yugyeom awakens to hands shaking his shoulders. "wake up. wake up."

 

"'m awake," he slurs. "what'chu need?"

 

"you were kind of not quite yelling in your sleep," bambam tells him. "i wanted to make sure you were okay and also i want you to shut up. i need rest."

 

yugyeom waves him off and lets sleep envelop him again, never thinking to try to recall what dream was scaring him so badly. he doesn't get another chance to find out for nearly a month. youngjae, eighteen and a walking ray of sunshine, moves into the dorm and starts to train with their group, the abrupt change meaning more demanding practices. for a long time yugyeom is too tired by the evening to dream. unfortunately, good things must come to an end.

 

the next time, it's his own voice yugyeom wakes up to, whimpering and crying out in pure fear. he stays in a dreamy haze even when bambam pokes at him, stuck halfway in his nightmare of darkness and sickly sweet voices whispering that _it will all be fine_ as ghostly hands wrap around his throat. yugyeom doesn't snap out of it until bambam has jaebum come and shake him fully awake.

 

"are you okay?" jaebum's voice is tired but wildly panicked. "are you sick?" yugyeom shivers and shakes and says _i'll be alright, it was only a dream_ so many times he almost has himself convinced.

 

the next week continues like that. each night brings dreams of terror and roaming fingers and bambam always has to fetch one of the hyungs to snap him out of it. after awhile, it's agreed that bambam will spend awhile rooming with youngjae while jaebum takes his bunk with yugyeom. just to make the nights easier. after three years sleeping with bambam nearby, yugyeom wonders if something in the air is missing without him. maybe that's why the night goes so awfully. oh, does it go awfully.

 

insteas of his voice, yugyeom wakes to his own bloodcurdling scream. it's a violent noise that tears at his throat painfully but he can't stop, spasming with the force of it. feeling hands on his body makes him scream louder.

"stop," he begs, and finally he sees no darkness. he sees _her_. she's the one with one hand over his mouth and the other at his throat and he can't push her away no matter how hard he tries. yugyeom is as powerless now as he was at six years old so he does the only thing he can do. he keeps screaming. noises echo somewhere in the distance and yugyeom thinks he can hear a familiar voice. a safe voice. _jinyoung_ _hyung_  registers and he wails for help. _get her hands off me. please._

 

eventually he can't scream anymore. he can't hear or feel or see. maybe he passes out or just falls back asleep. blissful. quiet.

 

yugyeom hears voices in the dorm's living room when he blinks awake, mostly the other trainees, but one voice belonging to the group manager. the mumbling isn't clear enough for him to understand much, but he hears his own name and 'take a day off, all of us'. that's when he remembers waking up in the night.

 

their manager leaves after a few minutes. yugyeom stands up and his body feels weak. he drags himself through the hallway, pyjamas wrinkled and eyes heavily bagged. the soft tense chatter dies down as he pads into the living area.

 

"yugyeom-ah." out of all six other boys, jaebum speaks first. "do you remember anything from last night?"

 

yugyeom nods. he thinks he sees mark crying a little. 

 

it looks like jaebum wants to say more, but jinyoung steps up calmly. "we have the day off today. i think you and i should take a walk. would you like that, yugyeommie?" it's toeing the line between a question and a gentle demand. yugyeom says yes for lack of anything else to say.

 

so he and jinyoung leave, sneakers tied haphazardly and sleep clothes still on, the other five boys still huddled close together around the couch. the walk stays very quiet for a long time. birds chirp overhead and the sun is half-covered by clouds. it seems like the weather doesn't know how to feel. neither does yugyeom.

 

they reach a little park that yugyeom likes after awhile. jinyoung clears his throat as they walk along the path, calm, but the younger can sort of sense his emotions. close to pity, but not quite.

 

"yugyeom-ah," jinyoung says quietly. "life is acting." he grabs yugyeom's clammy hand in his own warm one, holding it just the right side of too tight as they stop walking mid-path. it feels like something out of a drama, though yugyeom doubts any drama is this messed up.

 

"but." jinyoung swallows audibly. "i never want you to feel like you have to act a certain way around us. or hide what you're feeling. we all love you so much, you know?" he smiles kind of sadly. yugyeom nods hesitantly and then jinyoung rises on tiptoe to press a kiss to his forehead. "you can talk to us about anything. and i'm not saying you have to if you don't want to, but sometimes it might be a good idea. and we'll always support you, understand?" yugyeom does.

 

the walk home is just as silent as it was on the way to the park. yugyeom spends the silence thinking. he knows already that he needs to tell his groupmates about yeeun, about all of it. he probably should have told them, or someone, at least, as soon as he'd realized everything. yugyeom is not as naive now as he used to be. as he was for far too long. he knows that yeeun could get prison time for the accusations he may make. he knows that she should.

 

a nagging feeling in his chest tells yugyeom that his members might not even believe him, making him start to panic as they reach the dorm again. though his mindset has long since shifted from the twisted track of dependency yeeun trained it to have, he still worries that his hyungs will think he's lying and hate him. or even worse, believe him but be repulsed by him, disgusted by his weakness. yugyeom barely notices his own trembling until they walk inside and jackson immediately yells "what'd you do to him, jinyoung-ah? he looks traumatized!"

 

"i'm okay," yugyeom says thinly. he's not, really, but it's fine. "i–i think i need to talk to you guys."

 

"you don't have to," jinyoung reminds him kindly, but he kind of does.

 

for a long few moments yugyeom just stands there, completely still with his mouth open slightly and his brain moving at a million miles an hour. he just doesn't know what to _say_ , he realizes. he doesn't even know how or where to start. it isn't like he's never imagined finally telling someone about everything. he'd just never really planned it out.

 

"i don't know." yugyeom swallows. all five other boys are in front of him on the couch a few feet away while he stands, feeling too big, taking up too much space. all their eyes feel like they're burning into him. jinyoung slowly leaves his side and settles on the arm of the couch next to mark. "i don't know how to explain."

 

"do you want help?" asks jaebum, and he nods. "okay. yugyeom-ah, last night you were crying in your sleep and then you woke up screaming. we couldn't get you to stop until you passed out again. do you remember?"

 

yugyeom mumbles affirmatively. then jackson murmurs "whenever jaebum hyung touched you you'd scream for someone to make him stop, only you'd call him _her_. is there—" he clears his throat "—a her? is there a girl who made you upset?"

 

it only just now occurs to yugyeom that all the boys were probably in the room during his fit last night, though he only recalls jaebum and jinyoung. the thought makes him feel overexposed, drawing in a shaky breath and exhaling heavily. "y-yeah."

 

"we don't want to assume anything, yugyeom," mark says, firm but not unkind, and bambam and youngjae nod along beside him. "you have to help us fill in the blanks, right? it's a girl, but who? what happened with her?"

 

forever seems to go by as yugyeom thinks of how to say what he needs to say. almost a decade after the beginning of the game—the _abuse,_ he has to remind himself—someone will finally know about it. know about everything yeeun ever did to him. he shakes.

 

"my cousin," he says at last. everyone gets this confused look as if they were expecting it to be an ex or something, despite the fact that if yugyeom were dating a girl he'd tell all of them right away. "she... her name is yeeun. i guess she's twenty-two this year."

 

"what did she do?" jinyoung presses with his brows furrowed as yugyeom shifts unsteadily on his feet.

 

another long while passes in total silence. yugyeom breathes out one more time. "i was six," he begins. "yeeun noona had just turned thirteen. she always called me her favourite cousin and begged my parents to let her babysit me, so they did."

 

some type of recognition is starting to show in the older members' eyes, and yugyeom can see them starting to steel themselves for what might be coming. "i don't think they would've allowed her to take care of me under different circumstances because of how young she was," he adds almost thoughtfully. "but i was really sick and my mom and dad needed to go out and i was her favourite, right? so i guess they thought it would all be okay."

 

for just a second he lets himself collect his bearings. if he can just get this part out, it will be okay. he won't need to document all of the things that happened in the six years afterwards. 

 

"she gave me too much medicine," yugyeom says. his voice breaks in the middle. _don't cry_. "i don't know if she meant to or not but it got me the way she wanted me anyway. i could barely even talk. and at first she was just sitting there and holding my hand and saying i'd feel better soon."

 

he wails "but i _didn't,_ " and there's the first tear. without looking up from where his eyes are fixed on the floor he can sense everyone's confusion, and it sounds like someone's even standing up, but yugyeom waves a hand. _no_. he can't handle being touched now. not while he says this.

 

"i didn't feel good at all because she put her hand under my blankets into bad places and she told me it was a fun teenager game but it _wasn't_. it wasn't fun," yugyeom almost sobs, "and it wasn't a game. and it made me feel so bad inside and it hurt that time and all the next times and it still hurts so bad so bad _so bad—_ "

 

hopeless, he collapses so he's sitting on the floor, all the other boys rising immediately to surround him. yugyeom feels the salty burn of too many tears on his cheeks. someone—jaebum or jackson, he can't see—kneels behind him and cards a hand through his hair as jinyoung cradles the youngest's head to his chest. "shh," mark's whispering, holding yugyeom's right hand while bambam takes the left and youngjae latches onto his arm. for so long yugyeom has shied away from skinship. it's only ever brought up bad memories. but now he can't imagine a greater comfort than this mass of affection. it's the best kind of support he could ask for.

 

once yugyeom's hiccuping cries have faded to the occasional soft whimper, jackson takes mark's place holding his hand. "yugyeom-ah," the older says carefully. "baby, i don't want to make you feel pressured. but i think you should tell us some more. you don't have to go into detail," he assures at the frightened face yugyeom adopts. "just... tell us how long. if you're okay with that."

 

"it stopped once i started training," yugyeom mumbles. "i haven't seen noona since i was twelve. but it was... nonstop, from the first time until then. i guess it was once a week at least."

 

"are we the first people you've told about this?" jinyoung asks, still holding yugyeom close, and his voice sounds like he might fall apart just from hearing all of this. yugyeom nods slowly and the older lets out a sigh. a tear lands on the tip of yugyeom's nose. it isn't his own.

 

"you have to tell your parents," bambam says quietly. "they can help, you know. more than we probably can."

 

yugyeom shakes his head almost violently. "i can't," he says, panicked. "they'll try to put her in jail. i don't want—" he stops to get his erratic breathing back in control "—don't need people knowing about what i let her do to me." this, he knows, is his own personal victim-blaming (one of the terms he'd learned trying to look at consent laws) speaking for him, but he can't seem to stop. "i don't want people to know i'm that weak."

 

"you were a _child,_ " jaebum snaps. he softens after yugyeom's flinch. "i'm sorry, yugyeom. it just... it makes me _sick_. that's more than twisted, what she's done to you." a hum of agreement from everyone resonates through the room.

 

"oh, god, _that's why,_ " jackson blurts, sounding far past horrified. all eyes turn to him and his are watering heavily. "yugyeom-ah," he cries. "your first day here. you begged me not to make you touch yourself after i explained the joke about jerking off, _god_ , did she do that? make you do it?" at yugyeom's soft 'yes' jackson starts to cry, setting the youngest's own tears off in the process too. yugyeom had all but forgotten about that day and what occurred, but the reminder has him sobbing. the years of yeeun's abuse have already affected him so horribly. they will for the rest of his life.

 

"i should have known," jackson is crying. youngjae pats his back rhythmically to comfort him.

 

"yah," scolds mark. "don't talk that way. if you should've, we all should have noticed. don't beat yourself up."

 

"it's okay, hyung." yugyeom offers a teary-eyed smile. the older boy wipes his own eyes and nods, regaining himself with incredible speed.

 

"you're so special, yugyeom," jinyoung says, sudden and soft. "no one deserves to have that happen to them, but you." he shakes his head. "it makes me think of how cruel the world can be. i would give anything to make it so you'd never have had to go through all of those things."

 

the words warm something huge within yugyeom, keeping him almost content for long after they've been spoken. the seven of them spend hours just holding eachother, sometimes talking and most times crying. by the end of the day they're too tired to accomplish much more than eating dinner sluggishly and dragging themselves to jinyoung's room with a dozen blankets for a much-needed group sleepover. only three of those have ever happened before; once for jinyoung and jaebum after their duo was put on break, once for bambam when he was feeling especially homesick, and once for youngjae's first night in their dorm. it's yugyeom's first time as the center of attention. everyone cuddles up to him as they begin to yawn.

 

the issue at hand is a long way from resolution. yugyeom will have to tell his parents eventually, and he truly doesn't know what might happen as a result of that. but jinyoung's words stick with him even as he falls into his first fitful sleep in forever, keeping him happy. reminding him that at long last he is not alone. and that perhaps he never really was in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> oKAY! that took me like 4 hours to type up because i do all of my writing on paper before i do it digitally. it was not fun. um,,,,,, if you guys want an epilogue or even some kinda sequel i can do that maybe? i might also possibly put some Gay Shit ™ in if i add anything. fair warning . let me kno!


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